2018 Schedule Release
Surprise motherfuckers! I wanted to leave the people with something to talk about while I flee the country and possibly die in a cataclysmic volcanic eruption. If I do perish in some sort of natural disaster or plane crash or puffin attack, someone will have to take up the torch and keep the league alive. My dying wish is that I am replaced by either a famous person or one of the random girls Pat has picked up at a bar. Preferably someone who has slapped him in public. It is also important that we adhere to this beautifully crafted schedule. And if I may say, this could be the best schedule I've ever made. The Process This season I used a third party website to randomly generate each team's four double-headers. Nate once again got screwed, so I know that the randomization system is working perfectly. Everything else is customized for maximized drama. Chris's Choice Before creating the schedule, I of course had to consult with Pain Train. As the winner of the 2017 Survivor competition, Pain Train was able to select his first three opponents of 2018. He went with a similar strategy that RIP had after the 2016 season when he faced the first and second place finishers back-to-back-to-back. He chose to start the season against the following teams: # The Shotti Bunch (1st) # Garoppoblow Me (4th) # Paddock 9 (5th) The 2018 LoC Schedule Here, for viewing pleasure, in all its Glorio Glory, is a snapshot of the 2018 Schedule (click to enhance): I'll go ahead and import the schedule when I get back from my trip. List of Glory Bowl Rematches This season we will have a Glory Bowl rematch in 7 of the 13 weeks, with 10 rematches in total (one less than 2017). Week one opens with two rematches. MMS and TSB face off in weeks 6 and 12 for the second year in a row. List of 2017 Post-Season Rematches Chances for revenge abound in our schedule this season. Four of our playoff rematches are double-headers. Week One * Chan (Dee) vs. Butt (BF) * Pat (P9) vs. Momma (MMS) * Chris (PT) vs. Shotti (TSB) * Zach (DP) vs. Papa * Commish (GBM) vs. Nate (RIP) BF starts his comeback tour (needs a name...cum back tour? asscum tour?) against the one team in the league that they've never before faced: Sweet Dee. P9 and MMS, both on historical opening day losing streaks of 3 games, will face off. One of these teams will have the streak broken, one will extend the record for consecutive seasons without an opening day win. PT will be the first to voluntarily take a crack at the threepeat champ. Week Two * Butt vs. RIP * GBM vs. PT * MMMS vs. PP * P9 vs. TSB * Dee vs. DP After taking on RIP's wife, Butt will face off against RIP himself. This is a showdown that will bring back talk of the Even Year Curse and the infamous TradeGate. ESPN will be all over this one. GBM looks to avenge his Salty Dolphin Bowl defeat against PT while MMMS will try to make up for losing the Heart and Soul Bowl to PP. Week Three * P9 vs. PT * DP vs. GBM * MMS vs. RIP * Dee vs. TSB * BF vs. PP All eyes will be on the dumbest and most heated rivalry in sports: Paddock 9 vs. Pain Train. The rematch everyone has been waiting for and someone will be walking away with bragging rights for the rest of the season...that is until they meet again in week 13. Duck vs. GBM is another quarterfinals rematch worth its weight in drama, as these two have traded blows for years and not the sexy kind. Week Four * RIP vs. TSB * GBM vs. P9 * DEE vs. PP * BF vs. MMS * DP vs. PT Insane rivalry week to start the bye portion of the schedule. RIP vs. TSB, two teams that have met four times in the playoffs in the last six seasons. A Glory Bowl VII rematch. A one-sided rivalry but one of the most exciting nonetheless. Then you have Commish vs. Patrick, two of the biggest shit talkers in the LOC. Finally, Dee vs. Papa. Two franchises that have struggled in recent years and have been at war with one another in the gutters all the while. Week Five * DP vs. MMS * Dee vs. GBM * BF vs. TSB * P9 vs. RIP * PP vs. PT Duck and Momma meet in a Glory Bowl IV rematch. Butt gets his first shot at the reigning champ. Week Six * Dee vs. PT * BF vs. P9 * DP vs. RIP * GBM vs. PP * MMMS vs. TSB Another action packed week. Old consolation round rivals Dee and Pain Train meet again. Butt vs. Patrick, a rivalry that has withstood the test of time, meet for the first of two 2018 matchups. Family faces off in Commish vs. Papa. And of course there is the Glory Bowl V rematch with MMMS and TSB. Hard to believe that Duck vs. RIP would be the least noteworthy matchup given the strength of these two franchises but that's just how packed with power this week happens to be. Week Seven * BF vs. DP * GBM vs. MMS * Dee vs. TSB * P9 vs. PP * PT vs. RIP Lifelong friends put brotherhood aside as Butt and Duck will duke it out in this marquee week seven showdown. MMS, meanwhile, gets a chance to take down GBM, the team that kept them out of the 6 seed in the 2017 playoff race. Week Eight * DP vs. GBM * P9 vs. TSB * Dee vs. MMS * BF vs. PT * PP vs. RIP Just in time for Halloween we have a pair of spooky rematches. DP and GBM & P9 and TSB conclude their double-headers. Dee and MMS face off in a consolation semi-final rematch. Week Nine * DEE vs. RIP * DP vs. P9 * GBM vs. TSB * BF vs. MMS * PP vs. PT Dee and Dab will make history in week nine by becoming the first married couple to ever face off in the LOC. Duck and Patrick will also make headlines in the first guy v. guy roommate battle the league has seen since 2013. GBM and TSB is another huge match as the Commish swings at the team threatening to abolish balance from the LOC. Week Ten * TSB vs. RIP * GBM vs. PT * DP vs. MMS * DEE vs. P9 * BF vs. PP Three rematches from earlier in the season. Week Eleven * DEE vs. GBM * BF vs. DP * MMS vs. PT * P9 vs. RIP * PP vs. TSB TSB starts his Gauntlet of the Gods by facing off against 2011 champion Papa. Week Twelve * Dee vs. PT * BF vs. P9 * DP vs. PP * GBM vs. RIP * MMMS vs. TSB It's Revenge Week in the LOC. All five matchups are rematches, including two week one rematches. The four LOC champions face off with one another, as Glory Bowl III champ DP gets Glory Bowl I champ PP and Glory Bowl II champ MMS gets defending champ TSB. Week Thirteen * PT vs. P9 * GBM vs. BF * DP vs. TSB * DEE vs. PP * MMS vs. RIP Champions week in the LOC. We save some of the best for last as the Festival of Champions is finalized. Pain Train and Paddock renew the rivalry and end the season with legacies on the line. Commish and Butt meet for the first time. Butt has had a whole season to make his mark in the league and now has one more obstacle standing in the way of a playoff berth. For the third season in a row, Duck and Shotti meet in the final week as the two most recent champions go the distance for another shot at the title. Dee and Papa meet again. Will they be fighting for a bubble spot or for something more? And MMS vs. RIP will surely have a lot of playoff implications as well. Team Records By Month Updated 6/1/18 Notes For Each Team's Schedule B4/T4 = (Bottom four teams faced/top four teams faced) PT Streak = Longest stretch vs. 2017 playoff teams NPT Streak = Longest stretch vs. 2017 non-playoff teams * The Shotti Bunch - Shotti will run the Gauntlet of the Gods beginning week 11, facing the 2011, 2012, and 2014 champions in that order. Prior to that they will have their Glory Bowl VII rematch with JarJar..oops RIPDab, sorry hard to tell the difference when they both play like shit, and their Semi-finals showdown with Commish. He has the league's longest stretch against non-playoff teams with five (weeks 4-8) and the third easiest schedule overall. * Combined Opponent Record: 80-89 (8th) * B4/T4 Teams: 6-4 * PT Streak: 3 * NPT Streak: 3 * RIPDab - Somehow this schedule is more difficult than last season's, with double-headers against the 1st, 4th, and 5th place teams after going against 1st, 2nd, and 4th in 2017. It is a nice return to tradition that they open against GBM. * Combined Opponent Record: 85-84 (6th) * B4/T4 Teams: 5-5 * PT Streak: 4 * NPT Streak: 2 * Pain Train WOO WOO - PT starts the season against four playoff teams but then things really open up as they go on to face just 3 playoff teams in their final 9 weeks. Being able to front load their schedule with power before injuries and byes set in could prove to be a huge advantage. They have the second easiest schedule in the LOC. * Combined Opponent Record: 79-90 (9th) * B4/T4 Teams: 6-4 * PT Streak: 4 * NPT Streak: 2 * Garoppoblow Me - GBM's schedule also appears frontloaded with super teams, as they face 2nd, 3rd, 6th, and 5th in September. After that they hit three NPT's in a row. * Combined Opponent Record: 86-83 (4th) * B4/T4 Teams: 5-5 * PT Streak: 4 * NPT Streak: 3 * Paddock 9 - Easily the year's most difficult schedule, P9 must face 1st, 2nd and 3rd twice. They also get BF twice, which is a wild card considering we don't know what his skill level will be. The most daunting stretch for P9 will be weeks 2-5, four straight games against playoff teams. TSB during prime Halloween season is ruthless. Finishing against PT is a nice treat for the rest of us. * Combined Opponent Record: 89-80 (2nd) * B4/T4 Teams: 5-7 * PT Streak: 4 * NPT Streak: 2 * Duck - Duck is primed for a huge year in the LOC. After several 6th place finishes, Duck gets the good draw in 2018 with a league leading 7 games against non-playoff teams. With no stretch of more than 2 games in a row against playoff teams, I expect DP to threaten for a bye spot unless the bottom feeders are able to massively overhaul their rosters. * Combined Opponent Record: 78-91 (10th) * B4/T4 Teams: 7-5 * PT Streak: 2 * NPT Streak: 3 * Papa - PP gets a chance to breath in the month of September and will not face a top four team until week six this season. However, they then start on a league leading 5-game stretch against playoff teams that will certainly make or break their season. * Combined Opponent Record: 84-85 (7th) * B4/T4 Teams: 5-5 * PT Streak: 5 * NPT Streak: 3 * ma ma momma said - A team desperately in need of redemption following the 2017 London campaign, momma will have to suffer through one of the league's toughest schedules. By combined record, it beats out P9's for the worst. They have double headers with 1st, 2nd, 6th, and the wild card BF. They will also play a three-game stretch against all their former Glory Bowl opponents from weeks 5-7. We might need to name this stretch. The Glory Road? Done. Glory Road. Wait, maybe Asscum road? Regardless of their performance through the first nine weeks, the weeks 10-13 games against 6th, 3rd, 1st, 2nd will ultimately determine this team's place in the dance. * Combined Opponent Record: 91-78 (1st) * B4/T4 Teams: 4-6 * PT Streak: 6 * NPT Streak: 4 * Sweet Dee - Early games against rivals new and old gives way to a difficult back end to the schedule that features a four game PT streak. SD is the only team in the LOC that does not have a stretch of more than a single game against non-playoff teams. They have the third worst combined opponent record, partly due to facing Shotti twice and not having to face themselves (lowest win total in the league). * Combined Opponent Record: 88-81 (3rd) * B4/T4 Teams: 4-7 * PT Streak: 4 * NPT Streak: 1 (10th) * butt fuckers - Glory is good. Butt fuckers starts their comeback season against a league low four top-four teams. Two of their double headers are against NPTs and the others are against the 5th and 6th place finishers. * Combined Opponent Record: 85-84 (5th) * B4/T6 Teams: 5-4 * PT Streak: 4 * NPT Streak: 2 Conclusion There you have it, folks. A nice little something to mull over while we go dark for a few weeks. May Glorio be with you, always.